I began painting a portrait for the first time using oil paint almost one year ago. It was called a monster portrait in the class I was following. At first, I didn’t understand why a portrait would be called a monster. As I progressed, I realized that it was because the initial layer didn't make much sense at first glance. Mine ended up looking like a clown.
I did the next few layers time after time. I had to wait for a day or so between layers because oil paint takes a while to dry. When I reached the part where I was doing the flesh tones, everything was still going smoothly. Then all of a sudden, I stopped.
I hadn't realized that nearly a year had passed since I started working on it. It had been sitting on my easel, and I saw it every day. However, I hadn't dared to pick up my paintbrush again to continue painting.
So why did it take me so long to finish them? Because of frustration. I feel frustrated about myself. It’s frustrating when I think it’s not how I wanted it to be.
One day, I considered rewatching the process of painting a portrait to better understand it. I realized that my fear of finishing it stemmed from my lack of experience in painting people. I was worried that I wouldn't get it right and that the portrait wouldn't resemble the source, making it look comical instead. My own thoughts were holding me back.
At some point, I knew I just had to do it. I will never know how it will end up if I don’t continue working on it. So I laid down my paints on my palette again, picked up my brushes, and did the work.
During the process, I realized how fun it was to allow myself to enjoy what I was doing. I stopped thinking that it had to look perfect or very realistic because I knew it was not my style. Instead, I allowed myself to get lost in the brush strokes and have fun mixing different colours.
A few days later, I knew it was done. As I looked at it tonight, I couldn't help but smile because I was quite happy with the way it turned out. I thought to myself, “Not bad for my first try.”
I've experienced a similar feeling with my other paintings. There was a landscape painting that I spent four months working on before deciding to finish it. I got frustrated because I didn't like how the clouds looked, so I stopped working on it.
Upon reflecting on this experience, I've come to realize that I shouldn't let frustration hinder my creative pursuits. Frustration may arise, but I don't have to give up on something I enjoy just because it doesn't go as planned. I need to remind myself to simply enjoy and trust the process.
This is not just about painting. This is also about viewing how I do things in general. I may have the vision and plans on how to execute them, but I also understand that there might be challenges along the way. And that’s okay. I know that I can get through them. I don’t have to overthink about how I can resolve a problem. I can live in the moment and do the best that I can in that moment too.
One thing that I’m taking away here is letting go of control. Creating art is an expression. I do it because it feels freeing. I get lost in time. And I enjoy it.
Check out my Instagram page lzl_art for my artworks.
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